2.14.2005

This never-ending search for happy

Recently I have discovered that for the first time in my life, I have been asking myself a very simple question. This is a question that I have never really needed to answer, a question that I have never really needed to ask, this question of: How can I find happiness? How can I be happy? How can I be happy when I fail a test? How can I be happy when my friends are not? How can I be happy when millions of people are dying around the world? How can I be happy when I realize how pathetic I am? I see hundreds of people around me, each trying to find a unique answer to the same question. Each trying to live on as they deabte the reason for human existence, blindly searching for the answer to an age-old, seemingly unanswerable question. I am begining to realize that very few people around me are happy. Sure, each person has his moments, but who can truely say that they are all-around consistently content? It all boils down to the fact that human existence must be based on something, and something will always let you down.

For some, it's the morning after, and realization that the high's of partying are always matched by the low's of the next day. For some, it's the test, and the epiphany that no matter how much you learn, you'll never know it all. For some, it's money, and the lesson with which it comes: money can get you Possessions, but Possessions are simply things. For others, it's the girlfriend, the game, the friendship, the failure, the victory. I have come to realize that maybe the only people that are truely happy are the ones content with being sad. Maybe the happy ones are the people who have spent years debating this same, cyclical paradox and come to the conclusion that it cannot be solved. I do not know the answer. And maybe I too am destined to discover that no conclusion can be made. But for now, I will be content with being sad. I will try to overcome my feelings of depression. I will try to be happy.


I realize how futile everything is. I realize that it will all pass, and I breathe a deep sigh of relief.

3 Comments:

Blogger Frank said...

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8:34 PM  
Blogger Frank said...

So there I was, reading thru some of the blogs on BLOGGER.COM, when I happened onto yours. MAN!! Are you kidding me? I thought all of these years that I was the only human to walk the earth with feelings of that which you put on your blog.
As I read "This never-ending search for happy", I couldn't help but recognize myself in your words. There was a time in my life when I considered myself a pessimest, but after much thought, I decided that label was bullshit.
If you watch enough of the evening news, and see man's inhumanity to man, how could a person not come away with a twisted view of life. I have this bad habit of having to watch the national evening news everynight, but it usually depresses the fuck out of me.
This is what I've come to realize about people...they will kill, torture, maim, lie, rape, steal,cheat, and prostitute themselves for cold hard cash, power,fame,perversion,drugs, and convenience. ( "Dollar, dollar bill, ya'll!" ).
Sons and daughters will kill mothers and fathers for early inheritence, parents will drown their children to placate a boyfriend/girlfriend who doesn't want children, men and women will prostitute themselves and their children for that next hit of crack,politicians will lie thru their teeth to gain higher office,( including the highest office in the land ),a woman will throw her newborn child into a garbage can because "...having a child right now would interfere with her upcoming trip to Jamaica",dictators will have thousands killed on a paranoid whim.
Over the years,I have seen these and worse come across my television screen. I'm not a pessimist,...I'm a realist!
I have been trying to find "The meaning of life" since I was nineteen, I'm now forty. I hate to tell you bro, but as young as you are, it don't get no easier with time.
I hate to admit this, but I have awaken everyday for the past four years with sadness in my heart. Four years ago, I lost a good paying job, lost everything I owned, including my house and car, to bankruptcy, and to top it off, my wife of eight years decided that she didn't love me anymore, (what a coincedence!)and filed for divorce.
A year of some of the worst "curled up in the fetal position,blankets covering the windows to keep the light out, begging a god that you have yet to find in your life to stop the pain" depression you could ever imagine.
It wouldn't have been so bad if I was a bad husband, if I abused my wife, if I was a drug abuser, a degenerate gambler, or any of a hundred other people...but I wasn't.
I treated her and my two step kids like gold...but in the end,it didn't matter,I was tossed aside like a used snot rag.
Sorry for going off on my own rant. I really just wanted to compliment you on your writing...and one more thing,...that photo of the leaf sitting in the gutter. Man! Maybe I am just a depresive pessimist, cause that photograph really moved me, and you gotta admit, it's kind of a lonely shot.Have you ever seen the movie "American Beauty"? There's this one scene where this guy is showing this girl a video he filmed of a plastic bag blowing around next to this wall,...and he said something along the lines of the fact that this moment in time that he captured with his video camara was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen! I totally got that! I feel the same way when it's an overcast windy day and the trees leaves and branches sway back and forth. I could watch that forever.
Keep up with your writing and photography...you have the ability to move people with both, it's a talent not all of us have.
If you get a chance, visit my blog, I only have two entries, but I'm slowly finding my voice...and I also enjoy writing, when the mood strikes me. Tale care! Later!
You can find my blog at the following... http:welcometomymadness33.blogspot.com/

10:04 PM  
Blogger j.benjamin said...

Thank you for the kind words, frank.

12:52 AM  

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