It's just an escape, it's overrated anyways

From a removed corner with a couple of friends, I observed my high school at a party last night. I saw many things, I realized alot of what I don't want to be, I realized how so few of the people around me have themselves together, I realized how hard it truly is. As I watched, I began to question myself: of the people here, who do I want to model myself after? It appears to me that there are two paths to take at this point in my life. Never once have these roads presented themselves more clearly, but never once have I been more confused by them.

I don't know whether to become involved in the actions that appear so enticing, that lead to such happiness, that cause such trouble. But on the other hand, I do not want to be sitting in the back of the room, bored with no expression, waiting for something to happen. "This is the best night of my life", a friend said as he clumsily fell into my lap, interrupting my thoughts. Like him, I see some of my friends heading down the road that so many have taken. It starts now, slowly widening into an array of things that provide heightened momentary joy and heightened long-term problem. I suddenly began to notice a certain group, a group of a couple of seniors that seemed to have it all together. They were in the middle of everything, having a good time, but not out of control, not like the others. I have always admired these three of four guys, but not like I do now. As I left the dance, I was very discouraged. It had been a fun time, but the night left a bittersweet feeling. A later discussion with a few friends seemed to clear some of it up, we seem to hold the same vision for ourselves for the next years, but I am still very confused. I am still confused.


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3:35 PM  
Blogger Frank said...

Please excuse my observations, but I think you might be over thinking the situation. Life experiences are just that, experiences. I've read alot of your blog, and I think you're on your way to becoming "your own" self. Fuck looking at others to pattern your self on. Something tells me in a very short time, others will be looking at you for their patterns.

"Go your own way!" my brother, "Go your own way!"...but remember, leave your mind open to things that present themselves to you...when the time comes, have faith that you'll make the right decision.

8:32 PM  
Blogger j.benjamin said...

Frank, thanks for the words of advice, they are greatly appreciated.

9:50 PM  
Blogger Gareth said...

I wish I had had some of your maturity and insight when I was a teenager.

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

2:36 PM  
Blogger meaghan said...

ditto from from frank (without the f..) and gareth. you have natural talent that everyone wishes they could have, you lucky kid, you. ;)

7:44 PM  
Blogger jr2624 said...

Thank you gareth and meaghan, your comments are very encouraging.

10:34 PM  
Anonymous manda said...

hi jb - i just wanted to write you a little note to say how much i identify with you, at least, how much i can see my high school me, in you. and even though you might and will move on from that intensity i hope you will retain some of it too.

2:52 AM  

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