silent desk musings

woody allen

2006-02-21T16:08:00.000-07:00

For the past week I have felt like this Woody Allen quote:

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, "Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?" I said, "I wanted this girl and she left me." And he said, "Well, we have to look into that." And I said, "There's nothing to look into. I wanted her and she left me." And he said, "Well, why are you feeling so intense?" And I said, "Cause I want the girl." And he said, "What's underneath it?" And I said, "Nothing." He said, "I'll have to give you medication." I said, "I don't want medication. I want the girl." And he said, "We have to work this through." So, at that point, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck.

2006-01-31T19:15:00.000-07:00

Bush gives his state of the union address tonight.
I hope he has something, anything to say.

ireland

2006-01-25T15:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, well I haven't been blogging for the past couple days due to the fact that I have been doing other things, like schoolwork, writing, photography, botany, cleaning my attic, burying treasure and notes and other things, collecting leaves, and trying to read every book I can. So. Last March, I stopped blogging. And only a couple weeks ago did I resume posting on this page. So much stuff has happened since then, and I will talk about alot of it soon. But for now, here are three shots from my trip to Ireland that I took just before my hiatus. I'll post a few here and there every once in a while. enjoy:

somewhere

2006-01-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

I wanna go somewhere with the objective of simply finding something that no one has ever found. I want to take a boat to that far foggy island across the bay in Ireland. I don’t just want to look at things like that anymore, especially in photographs. I want to take my own row boat, maybe with some others, and step my own feet down on that land. If people live there, I want to meet them all. If that ground lays uninhabited, I want to explore It all. And if the soil there is the same, and the trees there grow just as tall. At least I can say that I know that they do. At least I will know.

Earth Google

2006-01-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I got on google earth and used the satellite program to retrace my last night/morning in New York City. It was so emotional, partly because those were the six best hours of my life. I feel so nostalgic as I think about impersonating Holden Caulfield and traveling around Times Square, Central Park, and the Upper East side during those long, cold hours a few days before Christmas. I hope to go back to that city again very soon, there's just something about it. I can't describe how amazing it is.

The Golden Globes, and, an epiphany as to why I am so weary

2006-01-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight, by total accident, I stumbled upon the 63rd annual golden globes ceremony on television. I was quite shocked that I didn’t know that this was even on tonight, considering I am usually very aware of what is happening as far as movies and entertainment, etc. But there it was, right there. I had to rub my eyes and watch for a few minutes just to discern that this was actually an original program, and not a re-run of some past show. As the show progressed, and the hundred celebrities each had their turn to talk about themselves and talk about their dresses and suits and talent and themselves, I suddenly found myself completely bored with the people that were so hypnotizing to me when I was younger.

Every celebrity was being treated like a god, as they all sat down in the main ballroom, and the ceremony began. But there was no excitement whatsoever. The tension that seems so visible on most nights was completely gone as Queen Latifah and other entertainers tried so desperately to rile up an audience of statues. Each face was less than bored, they were frozen. As the cameras panned around the room, the people that were so vibrant in front of the crowds and flashes suddenly were turned to stone, without any visible interest in what was occurring. Nominations and speeches occurred. Clooney made a quip about Jack Abramoff’s name in relation to a slang term for masturbation. And so on and so on. Nothing was memorable about the show, other than a three second shot of Jeffrey Katzenberg and a win by Paul Newman, everything else was just so uninteresting. This ceremony happens once a year, and for some reason, this felt so old. Everything about it was rehashed. Desperate Housewives, Lost, 24, House, they all just blur together to indifferent likeness.

I’m not sure why I’m feeling so cynical and saddened by such a trivial thing, but it just seems that I’ve lost something. I don’t feel the same way as I did about things like the Golden Globes. The narcissism of the celebrities in front of the thousand cameras seemed to be the only reason that they smiled. The movies and shows were just irrelevance. Maybe I’ve grown up or matured or something, but maybe this is something more. Since a few weeks ago, a lot of me has changed. My outlook on a lot of the things around me has changed. It’s like I just found a reason to know that a lot of this stuff just doesn’t matter as much as it seems. And we shouldn’t dignify it to anything more than it is. We have to understand that these small things belong down here, with us. We should not make them higher than we are.

2006

2006-01-01T01:18:00.001-07:00

to all my friends that have been missing my blog, i want to say happy new year. i dont know if i am going to blog consistently over 2006, but i wanted to wish you all the very best.

god bless you

Alright...

2005-04-05T16:13:00.000-07:00

I am back. After a few days of sickness and a two week trip to Ireland, I will take up where I left off. Ireland snapshots and other ramblings are soon to come.

Bowling and the Bright Lights

2005-03-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

Reds and Golds and Yellows

A wet day's green pictures

2005-03-08T00:30:00.000-07:00

wet Green pictures

Interim Term

2005-03-07T23:10:00.001-07:00

Interim term has begun and with all the extra time that comes with having two weeks of no homework or tests, I will be taking pictures almost every day. The site will be updated regularly, so stop by to see the photos daily. The images...

If Winter Ends

2005-03-05T19:22:00.000-07:00

and i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere
just get me past this dead and eternal snow
because i swear that i am dying, slowly but its happening
and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere
just take me there and lie to me and say it's going to be alright,
its going to be alright.

.

Listen to Bright Eyes.

On the Road

2005-03-05T12:13:00.000-07:00

"So in America when the sun goes down and I sit on the old broken-down river pier watching the long, long skies over New Jersey and sense all that raw land that rolls in one unbelievable huge bulge over to the West Coast, and all that road going, all the people dreaming in the immensity of it... the evening star must be drooping and shedding her sparkler dims on the prairie, which is just before the coming of complete night that blesses the earth, darkens all rivers, cups the peaks and folds the final shore in, and nobody, nobody knows what's going to happen to anybody besides the forlorn rags of growing old, I think of Dean Moriarty, I even think of Old Dean Moriarty the father we never found, I think of Dean Moriarty."

On the Road is an amazing piece of literature.

It's just an escape, it's overrated anyways

2005-03-04T13:46:00.000-07:00

From a removed corner with a couple of friends, I observed my high school at a party last night. I saw many things, I realized alot of what I don't want to be, I realized how so few of the people around me have themselves together, I realized how hard it truly is. As I watched, I began to question myself: of the people here, who do I want to model myself after? It appears to me that there are two paths to take at this point in my life. Never once have these roads presented themselves more clearly, but never once have I been more confused by them.

I don't know whether to become involved in the actions that appear so enticing, that lead to such happiness, that cause such trouble. But on the other hand, I do not want to be sitting in the back of the room, bored with no expression, waiting for something to happen. "This is the best night of my life", a friend said as he clumsily fell into my lap, interrupting my thoughts. Like him, I see some of my friends heading down the road that so many have taken. It starts now, slowly widening into an array of things that provide heightened momentary joy and heightened long-term problem. I suddenly began to notice a certain group, a group of a couple of seniors that seemed to have it all together. They were in the middle of everything, having a good time, but not out of control, not like the others. I have always admired these three of four guys, but not like I do now. As I left the dance, I was very discouraged. It had been a fun time, but the night left a bittersweet feeling. A later discussion with a few friends seemed to clear some of it up, we seem to hold the same vision for ourselves for the next years, but I am still very confused. I am still confused.

2005-03-03T15:35:00.000-07:00

Continuing with past tradition...

2005-03-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

Five reasons why February 2005 was worth living:

-Rediscovering The Ramones
I had always viewed The Ramones as a band of simple songs, a straight message, and nothing more than average music. But only as of this month did I discover why the band is considered to be so innovative and extraordinary. Every song of The Ramones is honest. Their music isn't pretentious, it isn't obtuse, it simply contains an indescribable personable aspect and an energy that seems contagious with each listening. A thank you to The Ramones, for saying what they wanted to, how they wanted to say it.

-Irving Feldman's poetry
I had never heard of Feldman as I stumbled across his collected works while looking for books at Barnes and Noble several weeks ago. The photo on the cover attracted me to the collection, and I began to browse through it out of curiousity. From the first poem that I read, Elegies, I was in awe. I spent the next forty-five minutes reading the marvelous book and since then I have continued to flip through it the entire month.

-Thoughts of Brendon and Ashley
There are some unique people that I've met who pocess an ability to stay with you long after being with them. They seem to have a sort of undefinable characteristic that leaves joy with their company long after they've departed. I don't know how to describe it, but with every thought of them, I am content, so here's to Brendon and Ashley for making me happy even when you guys are not around.

-The Modest Mouse concert
indescribable.

-Saturday mornings in my front yard
For the past month, my friends and I have spent Saturday mornings outside my house relaxing, with nothing to do. There's just something about taking it easy, doing nothing, away from it all, with nothing to care about. These mornings are usually consumed with simply a frisbee, some music, and time to kill . Words can't explain the mood of these mornings, but after Friday nights of being with crowds, the arguments, the confusion, these mornings are a time of simplicity and solace that have become one of the highlights of February 2005.

songs of 2/05:
matt pond pa- lily two
say hi to your mom- pop music of the future
bright eyes- hit the switch
pernice brothers- baby in two
modest mouse- heart cooks brain
death cab for cutie- blacking out the friction

picture of 2/05:

2005-02-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

i made a webshots gallery.

You will be here too

2005-02-27T20:39:00.000-07:00

Last night I found one of my mom's old photo albums gathering dust in the back of her closet. Starting with a torn black and white picture of her at six monthes old, the album seemed hold her entire life. Her highschool boyfriend, her first car, her college dorm. It felt that each shot had a hidden story behind it, a story of what truely was happening when the shutter clicked, a story that I would never know. As I continued to look through the album, I began to think of what it must feel like to be fifty years old. I began to think of what it is like to look back into the past and realize that the road behind you is longer than the one up ahead. I wonder how it feels to remember your father by only a photograph, only a piece of paper. Many of the pictures have began to fade, as I'm sure the memories have too. Her friends faces seemed to be alive with possibility, alive with something long gone from many of them now. I guess that just happens when you get old. When you realize that maybe, after all, your not really destined for greatness. When idealistic teenage visions of yourself are replaced with adult realism. Even if the pictures take me back to a time and place that I don't fully comprehend. Even if they provide only a second of escape, a frame of a reminder of things now gone, they are invaluable. The smiles on the faces in the photos slowly begin to scream at me: "Don't waste it, don't take it forgranted. One day, you'll be here too. You will be here too."

My mom, aunt, and grandmother. 1955

My aunt and mom. 10.23.1970

My mom and grandmother.1974

My grandmother. 2.27.05

Now is the time to finish up old tasks

2005-02-26T21:54:00.000-07:00

...or so my fortune cookie told me while eating dinner tonight. And the funny thing is, that statement has been on my mind for the past three hours. My life is full of loose sides waiting to be tied, things unfinished waiting to be completed, frayed ends needing to be put together. And beginning with tonight, I'm going to finsih up my old tasks.

This weekend has been uneventful, but not in a bad way. Friday was spent with a few friends, no girls, no crowd, no troubles. About five or six of us went to dinner and just hung around my house for the night. And today, I did nothing. Literally, nothing. Despite going to the best Chinese restaurant in the universe, Far East, I did an incredibly little amount of anything. But I'm not depressed, and a recent understanding with some old friends has definitely helped.

Well, despite some minor delays, here are the (few) pictures of this weekend...

2005-02-26T11:15:00.000-07:00

I am very dissapointed at the fact that my friends have now discovered silent desk musings. This is the second of my blogs that they have found(the other being my blog of 8 monthes, ramblings/reveries) , and I am just now beginning to see that living a life outside of my own is a sheer impossibility. It's an fanciful idea to think that exsisting as something else, as simply a webpage, is possible. People are too curious. They don't understand. It may seem like a trivial matter to cause such depression, but it's about more than just a couple of online journals. It's about my search for a life of privacy. A world of no fakes, a world where no one knows me. There were so many hidden things that I was able to cram into these pages. So many bottled-up emotions released, so many ideas formulated, organized. It was fortunate that I removed my December and January posts before my blog was found, and for that, I am thankful. But anyways, as far as the future of my blog is concerned...

Update: Situation has been resolved, blog will continue.

See Schindler's List

2005-02-23T21:57:00.000-07:00

this solves my problems.

Don't see Life is Beautiful

2005-02-23T16:33:00.000-07:00

With the news that we were going to be watching a movie in English for the first two days of this week, I was very excited. After about a month of grammar and reading Sandra Cisnero's horrible,feminist novel "The House on Mango Street", I was ready to relax. I knew it was going to be a Holocaust film, due to the fact that our class had just read the phenomenal novel, Night, by Elie Wiesel. But as I entered the classroom, I saw the movie we were going to be watching, a movie called Life is Beautiful. I had already seen this film, and I was very unhappy on having to see it again. But if that wasn't enough, the teacher started talking to the class about the movie, saying, "This movie is amazing, it's so funny and realistic and sad". And as she put in the movie, she then said that it was made in France. Made in France! Come on, does the name Roberto Benigni sound french to you? I was on the verge of saying, "Come on, if we are going to watch a holocaust picture, can't we see Schidnler's List for god's sake?!"

Well, as it turns out, I hated the movie.

It makes a joke of the tragedy of the holocaust and desensitizes the entire event. I realize that the filmmakers wanted to make a holocaust movie for kids, one that was dumbed-down enough for even the youngest audience, but did they ever think that maybe some subjects shouldn't be toyed-with? Instead of honestly portraying history, the film tries to make tradgedy into humor, death into joy, all the while saying, "Look, the holocaust wasn't too bad, with just alittle optimism, this guy was able to make everything great." I know I may be getting alittle carried away, but I feel very strongly about the holocaust. But I'll stop writing and leave you with one final word of advice: Don't support Life is Beautiful

roberto benigni is truely a buffoon.

The good times are killing me

2005-02-21T21:48:00.000-07:00

I was greatly looking forward to going into an in-depth analysis of the Modest Mouse concert that I attended last night, but fatigue and homework will unfortunatly be postponing that. My apologies...

I don't feel at all like I fall

2005-02-20T11:12:00.001-07:00

The past few days have been nice, and due to many of my friends going out of town for wrestling, I have been able to take it easy and get some rest. Last night a few of us got together at my house and it was very laid-back, relaxed, free. I took a few pictures around my house early Saturday, and a couple more that night before all the people got there(Click the photos to enlarge them). Oh Ya, and by the way, I am going to be in the presence of Isaac Brock tonight. That's right. I am going to the Modest Mouse concert.

-Clint Alwahab noticed a small detail in the opening shot that I didn't think would be seen by anyone. This forced me to make some minor edits, props to you Clint.

And in case you're wondering, the pictures of my name and the swirls of light we taken using manual aperture and a flashlight.

I drove around for hours and never went no place

2005-02-18T20:47:00.000-07:00

Ah, the weekend, beautiful. Took some pictures today in a few classes; and despite a lecture from the english sub, it went pretty well. The polaroid ad is well under way, as we should be filming more of it this weekend. Posted on here is a photo (last image) of the "board of pictures" we are using. But without further delay...

A Quick word to "christian" anti-semites

2005-02-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

Jesus
was
Jewish

-I am not meaning this in any way against Christians in general, and being both of jewish decent and christian faith, I understand both sides. But christians, for our own good, stop anti-semitism. This racist tendency is the reason for the many jews that have become opposed to christianty, and the perception of ignorance that much of the public has of us.

2004's best films...

2005-02-17T16:19:00.000-07:00

Well, with Oscar time coming around again, I've decided to post my own picks for some of the year's best efforts, performances, and films:

best actor- Leonardo DiCaprio, The Aviator
best actress- Hilary Swank, Million Dollar Baby
best supporting actor- Morgan Freeman, Million Dollar Baby
best supporting actress- Kate Blanchett, The Aviator
best ensemble cast- The Aviator/Mean Creek
best debut performance- Catalina Santiano Moreno, Maria Full of Grace
best original screenplay- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
best adapted screenplay- Sideways
best cinematography- A Very Long Engagement

best debut film- Joshua Marston, Maria Full of Grace/
Zach Braff, Garden State
best director- Clint Eastwood, Million Dollar Baby
best documentary- The Corporation
best foreign language film- Spring Summer Fall Winter...and Spring

best picture (comedy)- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
best picture (drama)- Million Dollar Baby

other favorites of 2004 : Mean Creek, The Motorcycle Diaries, Super Size Me, Primer, Broken Wings, Collateral, Kill Bill Vol. 2, Friday Night Lights, Ray, The Life Aquatic, Fahrenheit 9/11, Touching the Void

Like scattered black and whites

2005-02-16T22:36:00.000-07:00

Today, for the first time in about a week, I took pictures. It just felt right. The air was cool, the sun was soft, the streets were empty. It was sheer bliss. For the first time in days I was able to stop thinking about school/friends/teachers/sports/movies/music/parents/rules/deadlines/homework/etc. and simply relax. Well, I guess that's all i have to say. Images of the last few days will speak the rest:

Neighborhood photos: 2/05

Neighborhood photos: 2/05

Neighborhood photos: 2/05

Neighborhood photos: 2/05

Neighborhood photos: 2/05

Neighborhood photos: 2/05

Neighborhood photos: 2/05

Neighborhood photos: 2/05

Neighborhood photos: 2/05

Neighborhood photos: 2/05

Neighborhood photos: 2/05

This never-ending search for happy

2005-02-14T18:56:00.000-07:00

Recently I have discovered that for the first time in my life, I have been asking myself a very simple question. This is a question that I have never really needed to answer, a question that I have never really needed to ask, this question of: How can I find happiness? How can I be happy? How can I be happy when I fail a test? How can I be happy when my friends are not? How can I be happy when millions of people are dying around the world? How can I be happy when I realize how pathetic I am? I see hundreds of people around me, each trying to find a unique answer to the same question. Each trying to live on as they deabte the reason for human existence, blindly searching for the answer to an age-old, seemingly unanswerable question. I am begining to realize that very few people around me are happy. Sure, each person has his moments, but who can truely say that they are all-around consistently content? It all boils down to the fact that human existence must be based on something, and something will always let you down.

For some, it's the morning after, and realization that the high's of partying are always matched by the low's of the next day. For some, it's the test, and the epiphany that no matter how much you learn, you'll never know it all. For some, it's money, and the lesson with which it comes: money can get you Possessions, but Possessions are simply things. For others, it's the girlfriend, the game, the friendship, the failure, the victory. I have come to realize that maybe the only people that are truely happy are the ones content with being sad. Maybe the happy ones are the people who have spent years debating this same, cyclical paradox and come to the conclusion that it cannot be solved. I do not know the answer. And maybe I too am destined to discover that no conclusion can be made. But for now, I will be content with being sad. I will try to overcome my feelings of depression. I will try to be happy.

I realize how futile everything is. I realize that it will all pass, and I breathe a deep sigh of relief.

Starting Again

2005-02-10T23:37:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am again. After about eight monthes of writing on my last blog, I've decided to start anew. Looking back on ramblings/reveries, I have felt many things. My initial feeling used to be happiness. I would read last year's posts with optimism, remembering what seems like life a lifetime ago. But now, I feel different. As I read my posts of a year ago, I become incredibly emotional and nostalgic. I faintly remember a time when drugs, drinking, and the politics of high school were less than a myth. I remember when weekends consisted of being with a couple of my good friends and a night or two at the Angelika Film Center. I remember alot of things about middle school, and the person that I was. And in some ways, I've changed for the better. In the last month alone, I've met Sarah, Naria, and become much better friends with many of the people in my grade. My interest in photography has grown and I've started thinking more seriously about filmmaking. But the last four weeks have also changed me for the worse. My conscience has been overwhelming me for some reason, and I have lost trust in many of my friends. The flux of my confidence, conscience, and emotions leaves me many times exhausted and overwhelmed. I begin to question myself. If I were able to start this last year over, would I do it? I try to decide. I can't decide. I'm getting carried away.